SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK-N-ROLL
… or three times the HURT

“Would you like some condoms?” What the ….?
Oh, hey it’s the planned parenthood gal, or more to the point – It’s a Damage Control gal. She’s got a basketful of flavored condoms, and she’s scoping out the back patio at The True Love Coffeehouse, looking for, to the best of my estimates, the folks you’d least want to have reproduce. Naturally, she approches the table where I’m sitting with the band Hurt. We’ve gotten together to discuss their upcomming CD release show and as is typical whenever I interview a band, we all seem to be talking twice as loud as usual and ten times louder than everyone else. I’m yelling out questions. They’re all answering at once, and for the most part obscenly, and so far the best question of the night has been, “Would you like some condoms?” Step back, boys…I’ll field this one.
“Uh, No thanks, ” I tell her, “we’re just friends. “
See what you can do with a good question? So while I’m thinking I’m clever, Tommy is grabbing a fistful of condoms. Purple ones. We figure they must be grape. “Hey this can be the sex part, right?” Says Tommy.

Uh….
I should probably back up a little here and explain a few things.
Tommy Armstrong is the guitarist in Hurt. So is Evil. Scab sings, but so does Tommy. David Jayne is Hurt’s drummer, but in a pimch, he comes in real handy when you’re laying out a newspaper, and the cover that you’re designing in Photoshop is beyond your abilites…. Like some strange layering and perspective issues. and uh… there needs to be some rendering done… and possibly some rasterizing too…well, next time that happens to any of you, Dave’s the guy you want around. Believe you me. Obviously Scab and Evil are stage names, but before you ask yourself why anyone would want to name themselves either Scab or Evil, I think I sould point out that without stage names Hurt would be Andy, Mike, David, and Tommy, which sounds more like a cub scout troop than an industrial/metal band. Ya see? Anything short of Scab or Evil just wouldn’t tip the balance far enough away from evoked images of secret handshakes and oath recitals. These guys are shrewed…And so what if they actually do have secret handshakes and oath recitals.

Now Hurt’s been around a while. I’ve interviewed them twice before. One time we ate a buncha buffalo wings and wrote a story about it. One time we went bowling and I didn’t write a story about it. I was supposed to. If fact I was supposed to put them on the cover that month, but that’s ok. If I’d put them on the cover then, I wouldn’t have one the cover now, and we wouldn’t be sitting here talking about the three CDs they’re about to release.

Three CDs?
You heard that right. Three CDs
Now that warrants a cover! And, actually, when Tommy tried to initiate the “sex part” earlier, what he was referring to ws one of the CDs. The one called Sex.

See? When he said sex….it sounded like he meant… oh boy….whoooo….and I thought these kind of hilarious misunderstandings only happened on TV….Oh my, my…goodness me. Wacky stuff.

The CDs are called Sex, Drugs and Rock-n-Roll – Ya gotta love that- and each ones five songs, more or less thematically read among them. For example, Sex features among it’s five, a song called “Latex” and also “Darling Nikki.”

So originally I thought we should do an interview that somehow played along with the themes. But the only idea that I could come up with I thought might be taken the wrong way – plus we didn’t have any blow or naked groupies anyway- So basically we just decided to meet somewhere and see what happens.

So far the condoms are about as close to the sex theme as we’ve come. In fact I think it’s safe to safe that unless Samantha Stylie walks into The True Love Cafe and gives us a table dance, I think the sex part peeked with the grape condoms. “You want a grape condom?” Asks Tommy. “Uh, I only like them with English Muffins,” I answer… Wow, the full impact of the joke didn’t even hit me ’til I typed it just now.

We kid around for a bit about replacing the jelly containers at  Lyon’s  with these, but…

Geez enough with the grape condoms already… Can we please try and talk about anything other than sex? Sheesh!

I wanna hear about where the idea for three CDs came from. I love a great concept album. But three? Holy Trinity! I thought Sinatra was the king of concept albums, but he never came up with anything as good as songs about sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. (But what if…. Frank Sings of Crazy Kicks, Coo Coo Music and Making Whoopie…)

“Well,” says Tommy, “we came up with the idea because we had a lot of songs about sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll.”

“Was it that cut and dry,” I ask “I mean you must’ve had some songs that were in the grey area…”Is this more of a drug song or more of a sex song?”

On the Drugs CD we have a song called “Chemical Life” offers Evil as an example. “Ok,” I nod “But what about Rock-N-Roll ? What do you put on there?”

Scab laughs, “We put some of the angrier songs on Rock-n-Roll. And there’s also a live track.”

“We’ve been threatening to record an album for a couple years, “ laughs Tommy. “And we’ve started on it a few times. So we ended up with four tracks here, a couple tracks there. We’ve worked with different producers – Mark Needham, Frank Hannon – different studios, and now we’ve decided to purge. Fifteen songs. Five on each CD.” “And each one has different artwork,” adds Evil. “And if you buy them all and place them together will they form a Battlestar Galactica panorama or something? “Battlestar Galactica?” snarls Scab, as if to say….Uh….”As if!”

Before anyone catches on to the fact that I collected Battlestar Galactica trading cards as a kid I change gears, “So, this is kinda like Johnny Cash’s “Love” “Murder” and “God” CDs?”
“Yeah, but with way less songs”, yells Evil. “And a smaller budget…” yells Scab. “And not as good artwork,” yells Dave. “And no label behind us,” yells Tommy. Ok…but you guys do wear black! So C’mon…lighten up. Uh… No pun intended.

Suddenly, I’m realizing that part of the reason we’re all yelling is because it is really, really noisy in here at the True Love. We’re on the back patio on open mic night. The place is pretty crowded inside, with people watching the performers, but back here its crowded with performers getting ready. Oh sure, you’d think that a bunch of acoustic artists wouldn’t be that noisy, but damn… we came here cuz I thought it would be quiet. I’m not gonna be able to hear a thing on my tape recorder unless we move out front.

 

I decide to take advantage of the fortuitous passing of the True Love counter by ordering some Iced Yerba Matte.

“Yerba? What the… What is that shit?” Asks Evil.

Well, yeh exactly. Yerba is one strange brew. I really like it, but I swear, it’s a Three Stooges kinda dividing line, people either love it or hate it. “It’s a South American drink made from tree bark. It’s really popular with the cowboys down there.” I threw in the cowboy part just so it wouldn’t seem too wussy. It didn’t work “South American cowboys? They’ve got cowboys in South America?” Asks Evil skeptically. He seems miffed about something. Well he’s always miffed about something, but now more than usual. I don’t think he like the idea of South American Cowboys and as a result, Yerba Matte has even less credibility than what little he gave it before. “There are cowboys in South America.” Affirms Tommy “I think they’re called Gauchos.” That’s right….and in Central America they’re called Gaucho Marxists….bam boom! Sigh… Really that joke only works if actually delivered by Groucho.

 

Evil notices that David Houston has a drink named after him on the True Love menu.  The Dark Lord Mocha. Now I think Evil is miffed about that now, too.
As we head out front True Love owner Allyson ask Scab if Hurt would consider playing an acoustic show there sometime. Oh boy. She obviously isn’t aware of their most recent attempt with the softer side of Hurt. “We tried to do it,” he tells her “but we didn’t do it right. I think we need to try it again.”

 

We step outside and all the rest of the guys the offer. “We’ve always had a joke,” says Tommy, “That acoustic Hurt would be silence.”

He then recounts their acoustic debut at the recent Sacramento Rocks CD release show in the parking lot at the Sunrise Tower Records. “Well, first off, Evil did not have an acoustic guitar. It’s not synonymous with his name. It was not meant to be. So we borrowed one to rehearse with that didn’t have a microphone in it, and that worked out fine for rehearsing. But when we did the show we had a really nice one that you plug in, but it had a shortie the jack. So the whole time Evil is playing, Scab’s got his hand on the cable, trying to hold the cord in. It was like Spinal Tap at the airbase…. the guitar was cutting in and out…”

“Spinal Tap?!?” Laughs Scab. “I thought it was magical. It was teamwork…”

“It wasn’t MAGICAL!” Laughs Tommy

“We were bitch-slapped by the devil.” Says Evil

“Yeh,” says Tommy “He was like, “What the hell are you doing? You’ve ventured into the land of non-programming…SLAP!

You know what we call it? It wasn’t Hurt Unplugged it was Hurt Butt-Plugged.”

“It’s really hard not to sing like Cake when you play acoustic,” observes Scab. Our rehearsals were very Cake-like,” agrees Tommy. “Yes, the spirit of John McCrea was with us,” laughs Dave

“Hey, all you gotta do is learn ‘Satan is my motor’” I suggest,” and it will all come together for you.”

“Did I tell you we’re in a new practice space?” Asks Tommy. “No more Meadow in the Ghetto?” I ask that was their place in Rio Linda if I’m not mistaken. “No, we’re actually near Elk Grove. We practice next to a church,” He laughs.

Ya know… If ever there were a reason for the faithful to question their beliefs . I mean Hurt’s music is heavy, dark, vulgar, blasphemous… and those are the good points.
“How in the world does that work out?” I laugh “Well,” says Tommy “We agreed that we wouldn’t disturb their Sunday sermon.” And that was it? I mean didn’t they at least want promises that Hurt wouldn’t leave pentagrams lying around the parking lot? Or documents showing that none of them have been vampires? Or they wouldn’t have Satan hanging out at the studio all the time, spilling beer, and putting Satan was here tags all over the place? None of that? Just, “Hey you satanic lookin guys are cool with us, just try and keep the rituals quiet on Sundays?

“They did try changing things around on us when they discovered we practiced the same night as their choir,” says Tommy.

The guys all laugh.

“Our PA is bigger than their PA,” says Dave tauntingly. “Geez, don’t you guys kinda freak them out?” I ask.

“All I know,” says Evil “is we hear them when we start playing and by the time we’re done all of their cars are gone.”

Well Christians are funny that way… the second a dark presence enters the room, they suddenly remember they have all sorts of important things to do. It’s pain rude if you ask me.

Speaking of dark presences….From where we are sitting out front we can see through a side window into the True Love and Devil Houston has just arrived. He taps on the glass to say Hi to us.

“Look he’s got on black nail polish,” says Scab. Black nail polish is very big with the Hurt boys.

“I wonder if he drinks his own drink,” says Evil. “Huh?” “David Houston,” he says. “Does he drink himself?”

Um…ick. Nobody wants to drink themselves… Do they? Maybe Christ, I guess…. And some bizarre German internet women, but…ewww. Somehow I will now always think of the Dark Lord Mocha as a big hot cup of David Houston. (“I take my Hot David Houston with whipped cream, thank you…”)

“Hey, you guys wanna try some Yerba Matte?” I don’t know why but I always feel compelled to get people to try Yerba Matte. I guess I find it interesting who takes to it and who doesn’t. It’s supposed to be pretty good for you. Very nutritional. And it gives ya quite an energy boost even though it doesn’t contain caffein. Anyway, I’m all for people trying new foods and drinks.

“I don’t wanna try it,” says Evil

“Ah, Come on kid,” I say. Give it a taste. Everyone’s trying it. It’ll make you cool…”

“Why would I want to drink that?”

“It’s different. Don’t you like to try different things?”

“Different?” Laughs Evil, “

Here have some ball sweat…it’s different”

Tommy tries it…The Yerba Matte that is.

“Well?”

“It tastes like leather,” he says while handing it over to Dave.
“No, it’s not leather,” says Dave.” “It’s more like cigarette ashes. Like when. You pick up the wrong beer.”

Of course Evil isn’t going to go near it now.

“C’mon,” says Scab “All the kids are doing it.”

“Oh no,” says Evil in his best Afternoon Special persona, “I’m not falling for it!”

He then proceeds to tell us all the things Yerba Matte looks like. Yeh MMM-mmmm….Boy that hot David Houston is sounding better all the time.

Change of subject.

“Hey,” you guys called me to go bowling awhile back,” I say

“But I couldn’t make it.”

“Oh yeah, that was Andy’s birthday.” Says Tommy.

“That was the first time we bowled since bowling with you last September.”

“I never find time to bowl” I complain.

“Yeh, well we should just challenge someone else to go,” says Tommy.

“We challenged Shortie to basketball,” says Andy…I mean Scab, “But they wouldn’t do it.”

“We should challenge a band right now,” says Tommy

Scab yells at the window to all the acoustic mic hopefuls inside, “HEY ALL YOU ACOUSTIC GUITAR PEOPLE!!!!!”

Hmmm, I think I see these guys strategy at work here. Shortie for basketball and “ACOUSTIC GUITAR PEOPLE” for bowling . Yeh these guys know a thing or two about stacking the deck. It’s not how you play it’s…..who you play!

“Magnolia Thunderfinger!” Exclaims Tommy. “We should challenge them. If I remember correctly Jones was getting a little mouthy last time we bowled.”

What? Who? Jones? Mouthy? Yeh, well big surprise. I just remember trying to interview the band at the Country Club Lanes while Jones was telling them why he felt they didn’t rock. Hurt vs. Magnolia Thunderfinger? Man, talk about your grudge matches.

“Ok.” Says Tommy further contemplating the event, “They can’t wear matching uniforms. None of that! We don’t want to see little Magnolia 1. Little Magnolia 2…”

Throwing down in the A&K! Well based on the frequency that any of us bowl these days, Hurt will be putting out their next CD before any of this ever goes down.

“Have you ever been to Cestview?,” asks Tommy

“Sure. We bowled the Brody’s there once,” I say

“It’s total white trash out there,” laughs Evil.

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that,” laughs Tommy. “I come from a long line of white trash. We’re just saying if you want to get back to your white trash roots…”

“There’s a place in West Sac,” I tell ‘em “Capitol Lanes… used to be The EL Rancho Bowl. There’s a guy over there that used to work at Club 400 and he’s always wanting to get a band league night goin’. Like on a Monday.”

“Club 400?” Says Tommy

“OH MAN! If he can get some strippers out there, he’ll get the bands. Bowling with strippers? What band wouldn’t want to do that?

“Get some lane dances going?” I suggest

“Yeh but Monday night is rehearsal night,” says Dave.

“Rehearsal is done!” Decrees Evil.

Well at least they have their priorities. Sex, Drugs, and Rock-n-Roll. Possibly even in that order.

Sex. Drugs. Rock-n-Roll.

I Haden’t really thought about it before, but pause for a minute to consider our surroundings, it occurs to me….

“You know what?” I laugh

“ I don’t think I could’ve failed more miserably in trying to somehow capture the sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll theme.”

“Yeh” says Evil laughing “You suck! What is this place? The True Love? That’s not sex. The True Love?

Well there is the Hot David Houston, I think, but I figure that possibly won’t count. In fact as I run it through my head…. I don’t think any of this could count. It’s all playing out in front of me. Hilariously. I could not have coordinated a more anti-sex anti-drugs, anti-rock-n-roll situation if I had tried. We’re siting in a place full of cute, little red hearts, I’m drinking wood bark beverage ( I swear….It’s really big with the South American cowboys…) and we’re listening to acoustic singer/songwriters I feel as if I must beg for Hurts forgiveness.

But first one last attempt at redemption. “Hey… what about the Yerba Matte? That’s sort of a drug.”Bad move. Evil’s disdain for Yerba Matte has developed so fully, he can hardly voice a response….

“The…that…the Yerba..uh…Enema Latte?” Says Evil spitting out the words like a bad taste in his mouth. “That’s no drug! That stuff looks like something out of Jackass. Hey, here, drink this!”

Alright. Whatever. Say that to a South American cowboy and he’d kick you with his pointy boots. I happen to like Yerba Matte!

AND…

…and

I had a good time tonight!

Forget the big picture.

Consider all the little pieces. Grape Condoms. Frightened Christians. Butt-plugged Hurt. The spirit of John McCrea. David Houston smothered whipped cream. Strippers and bowling.

C’mon, we achieved something remarkable here tonight. We somehow pulled off a very sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll evening without having any sex, drugs, or rock-n-roll. I mean if you think about it….

If you really think about it it’s actually kind of sad.

Hey, no more pretense, You want Sex, Drugs, and Rock-n-Roll? Then what are you doing siting around readin’?

Go out to Hurt’s CD Release Show October 19th and buy ‘em.

Let’s be honest here. You knew that’s where this piece was heading, right? I mean take all those aforementioned “little pieces” and add them up together and do you think they add up to Sex, Drugs, and Rock-N-Roll? No! They add up to you reading this from beginning to end so I can drill into you this very basic message, Hurt is a good band and they are releasing three CDs on October 19th with an all ages show at the Boardwalk. I think you should go. I hope that after reading this, you feel compelled to check Hurt out, and maybe even buy one or all three of their CDs. Ya see, this isn’t about Sex, Drugs, and Rock-n-Roll at all, but rather what brilliant marketing tools those things are.

Whew!

Geez. Wow. That felt good. Ya know? Just laying it out like that. It’s good to come clean. Just admit the truth. Seriously. Of course, this means I’m gonna have to come to the terms that Yerba Matte really does look like something they’d make you drink on Jackass.

Hmmph.

I wonder how it is with whipped cream?

 

Alive ’N Kickin
October Issue 2001
By Jerry Perry
Jennifer Walsh – Photo